Reading the Language of Romance

This had to happen sooner or later, so here's an early treat:

How can body language be used to detect attraction?

I don't mean to teach you secret exploits you can take advantage of in your romantic endeavors, but hopefully you'll still pick up some tips on figuring out if a person is interested in you at all (the rest is up to you!).

I've mentioned eyelid-raising as a nonverbal behavior of excitement, but there are many more ways to tell if a person is interested in you, and we'll start by looking at what men do.

It all comes down to the manhood.

If a man stands tall, spreads his chest, and put his hands somewhere on the belt line (also known as the "Superman pose"), he is trying to show off his masculinity. Displays like this are designed to dominate attention, even if you're alone. This particular pose also opens up the pores in the armpit where pheromones, chemicals that trigger social responses, are released--a biological sign of sexual attraction. Making the front open for viewing also allows the man to proudly display his groin, which works like how a male peacock displays his tail feathers to a female.

Another thing you can look for is feet placement. When you are having a conversation with anyone, feet facing directly at you usually means that the person is truly interested in your conversation. If the person would rather be someplace else, the body often reflects that by orienting itself toward the nearest exit. A man leaning into your personal space is also a pretty good indication of interest.

These are very basic signs of attraction, but then again men aren't notorious for being difficult to read.

Women: the mystical maze of wonder.

So how can you tell if a woman is interested?

One of the most common signs of romantic interest is the hair-flick. Women flick their hair to the side, no matter how short it may be, to bring attention to their face. It's a pretty good sign if a woman wants you to see more of her. The physical act of flicking the hair also frees up space near the armpit for pheromones to travel through, much like men (if you haven't noticed yet, many of our nonverbal behaviors are directly adapted from biological mechanisms for survival).

The "facial pedestal" works in a similar way. This is when a woman joins her hands together and rests her face on them. This does not mean she's bored--she wants to bring her face to your attention so you can give her a compliment.

There are other ways a woman can attract attention as well. We have several spots on our bodies that are vulnerable, namely the neck, throat, and wrist. When we feel comfortable around a person, we tend to display behaviors that show those parts. A neck tilt is a very positive sign of attraction, as are actions that draw attention to a woman's wrist. If you've seen movies where the female romantic interest is a smoker, she often holds her cigarette by the side of her face, eye-level, and wrist facing the other character.

These are all simple and obvious attraction signs that go criminally overlooked. A strong indication of attraction is any behavior that is designed to bring something to your attention.

Bottom line: if they are trying to get you interested, then they are interested.

Cox, T. (2011). 18 Body Language Clues That Say He's Interested--Definitely. Retrieved from http://www.ivillage.com/18-body-language-clues-say-hes-interested-definitely/4-a-283709?p=1.

Hesketh, D. Body Language of Sexual Attraction Between Male and Female. Retrieved from http://www.cheshiretherapy.com/index.php/Latest/body-language/All-Pages.html.

Michael, M. (20110). Body Language: Signs of Attraction. Retrieved from http://sapientology.com/body-language/signs-of-attraction/.

Navarro, J. (2008). What Every BODY Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. New York: Harper Collins.

Pheromone. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster's online dictionary. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pheromone.

A Kid in a Candy Store--Excitement Defies Gravity

Our species has very little difficulty figuring out when people are excited. We see overt signs of happiness and excitement all the time, especially in sports. Soccer players who make a goal on TV would immediately follow the point with the signature arm-raise and run towards the team, often embracing in the air. Even the steps they take seem lighter, as if the players can't help bouncing up and down.

Behaviors that physically elevate an individual are limbic reactions to excitement, and are called gravity defying behaviors. Obvious signs of excitement, such as the ones made by the soccer players from above, can also be easily observed in children. When you visit a mall, keep a look out for children who go into a toy store or ice cream shop--you know they're excited when their heels are bouncing off the ground.

Similar behaviors can be observed if you happen to reconnect with a good friend. If they raise their arms above their heads and stand on their toes for a hug, you know for sure he/she is excited to see you (provided that your friend isn't trying to compensate for height).

Gravity naturally keeps you comfortably on the ground. If your body makes an effort to elevate yourself over this comfort zone, you can bet it's a sign of excitement.

You've probably already seen these nonverbal behaviors, so what else is there to talk about?

Gravity defying behaviors come many sizes, and they are not limited to arms and legs (though they are the easiest to observe).

One example of a subtle gravity defying behavior is a tiny raise of the eyelids in response to a new stimulus. Let's say you walk into a room and you run into a familiar professor. If you happen to see that the professor's eyelids rise a little bit when you came in, you can assume that the professor feels positively about seeing you! Here, the limbic brain is telling the eyes to take in more of the pleasing visual information (you!).

Conversely, if you see the eyelids closing just a little bit, you know you should be careful of how you interact with the person.

Lets go back to poker.

Poker is a great subject when talking about subtle hints. I already talked about pacifying behaviors and detecting stress, but excitement always plays a huge role in calling a bluff. Look for any actions that involve going against gravity. These actions could include:

• sitting up in the chair
• rising eyelids (like from before), as well as raised eyebrows
• knees bouncing up and down
• toes raised and held in place (could be hard to see under a table)

Of course, these actions must follow a stimulus. If you observe a player who suddenly starts bouncing his knees right after his hand was dealt, you can certainly assume he was dealt good cards. If this particular player stops bouncing his knees, such as when a bet was raised too high for him, you can also assume this player is no longer excited or happy. It's just as  important to note when a behavior stops because this indicates a shift in mood.

Terms to remember:

Gravity defying behavior


Navarro, J. (2008). What Every BODY Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. New York: Harper Collins.

"Look DOWN when I'm talking to you!"--A Lesson in Context

"When talking about body language, the most interesting thing I could think of is the interaction between an American businessman and a Japanese one. The American will get in your face, shake your hand, crowd your area, and maintain rigid eye contact during the interaction. The Japanese businessman will try to maintain distance, keep his head low, use eye contact sparingly (to drive home a point), and tend to keep his hands to himself. A nonverbal mismatch like this could literally kill a business deal without exchanging a single word!"

My dad gave me that anecdote when I asked him about body language, and this brought to my attention the most important lesson about reading body language--context. Just because you see something, it doesn't mean it's important. A person scratching his nose after making a statement doesn't always mean he's lying--he could simply have an itchy nose.

So what does this entry's title mean? "Look down when I'm talking to you" is a typical sentiment expressed by East-Asian parents when verbally disciplining their child. Avoiding eye contact is actually a sign of respect in countries like Japan, while American parents expect their children to mirror eye contact in a similar situation.

"Body language lets you know how totally wrong your perception of others is."

My dad was an American businessman working in Japan who found his "typical" behavior conflicting with his new culture. When he would look a Japanese contact in the eyes, he didn't mean it as a sign of aggression or disrespect (as eye contact is understood in Japan); he merely wanted to express his commitment to the work in a way that is normal in his home country. He took this lesson and ran with it, adapting to mirror other Japanese businessmen's behavior so he may be more accepted. You have to keep in mind that there are many nonverbal behaviors that are NOT universal when reading body language (exceptions include Dr. Paul Ekman's study of facial expression, which I may discuss in the future).

This is where context comes into play

It is up to you to figure out what a nonverbal behavior means. You see someone scratching his neck, but so what? Did it follow a statement that he made, or was it a response to seeing his bike with flat tires? Did it follow anything at all? It is entirely possible that the neck-scratching meant absolutely nothing, and it is up to YOU to figure that out.

"Before your plunge into the forest, you should have the proper gear."

Translation: "prepare and practice."

Terms to remember:

Context
Context
Context

Pacifying Behavior--Because It Comforts Us

Rubbing of the neck and jaw, pinching of the earlobes and nose, and scratching of the cheeks and forehead. We see these actions all the time, but what do they mean?

Under stressful situations, such as when we are posed with a difficult question or bad news, the brain throws a little tantrum and enlists the body to make the brain feel more comfortable. As communication coach Starla West describes it: "the brain requires the body to do something that will stimulate nerve endings to release calming endorphins in the brain, so that the brain can be soothed." The behaviors we exhibit in response to the brain's signal are called pacifying behaviors.


Pacifying behavior can be anything that involves touching or rubbing, such as the few I've listed above. Level of stress can also be gauged by observing the intensity of the behavior--a woman lightly stroking the tip of her chin is less stressed than a man rubbing his entire jawline.


Here are some additional nonverbal behaviors you can look out for:

• the infamous back-of-the-neck rubbing
• playing with hair
• rubbing up and down the thigh (prevalent in interview settings when a table is blocking the view)
• scratching of the head
• covering the neck
• a needless adjustment of eyeglasses, which seamlessly transitions to nose-pinching

Anytime a hand is used to "soothe" the body for the purpose of calming the brain, you can categorize it as a  pacifying behavior. 

Be Careful, and look for clusters!

Sometimes a nose-scratch is just because of an itchy nose! (I'll discuss context in the next entry)You can be sure that the person is under stress if he/she exhibits more than one pacifying behavior, or a cluster of behaviors. You can get a more reliable reading of stress if you can see multiple different pacifying behaviors in quick succession. Imagine someone who starts by rubbing his neck, then transitions upward by stroking his cheek, then finally moves to scratch the back of his neck. You wouldn't be wrong to assume that this particular man is under a lot of stress!

Also be very careful of what you observe. A truly honest person can show many signs of stress in a tense job interview--just because a person exhibits stress, it doesn't automatically mean they are lying!

To practice, the next time you hear bad news, the assignment of a very difficult homework for example, take note of how your body responds. If you figure out what your own pacifying behavior is, it will be much easier to figure what other's are since you know what to look for.

For further reading:

You know an activity that can reliably put people under stressful conditions?
Poker! Grab some friends for a night of poker and look for sudden reactions a person makes when a hand is dealt, or when someone raises the bet. Flop Turn River Poker published a fantastic numbered guide on reading poker tells, and reinforces the ideas of context and behavior-clusters. Try this at home before you think you can handle real betting at a casino, though. The world may not be as forgiving of potential mistakes!

Terms to remember:

Pacifying Behavior
Behavior-clusters



Navarro, J. (2008). What Every BODY Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. New York: Harper Collins.

West, S. What Are YOUR Pacifying Behaviors?. Retrieved from http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-YOUR-Pacifying-Behaviors?&id=3643148

Uncredited. Retrieved from http://www.flopturnriverpoker.com/poker/pacifying-behavioral-tells

Before We Get Started

Before I go into "how to read body language," there are a couple of simple but important things I need to teach you. The next blocks of text may seem long, but the ideas are simple to conceptualize and easy to learn. Trust me, this stuff will help you learn body language-reading much faster.

Your Brain

That thing in your head that you actively use to think. What you may not know or just take for granted, is that your brain is constantly reacting to things without your conscious knowledge. There is a portion of your brain, the limbic brain, that is in charge of automatic reactions and all nonverbal behaviors. Have you ever been served a food dish that looked so gross that you winced and looked away? That reaction is your limbic brain's way of protecting you from an undesirable sight. The automatic process of the limbic brain is very important when talking about body language because a quick, automatic reaction ensures that whatever behavior you observe is almost certainly honest. You can think of the limbic brain as having its own set of feelings and your body language truthfully reflects them!

Moving on.
Have you heard of "fight or flight"? This is the common belief of what we do when we face danger. I need you to forget this concept entirely, because I'm going to teach you:

The Three F's of Nonverbal Behavior

1. The Freeze response--movement attracts attention, and our early hominid ancestors adopted the freeze response as the first line of defense against natural predators (feline hunters are experts at tracking movements of their prey). Has anyone told you to play dead if you get attacked by a bear? Same concept. Freeze can also be seen in response to the mere perception of a threat. When you watch a scary movie, do you ever notice yourself freezing up during an especially tense moment? Same concept--your brain senses a threat, and automatically reacts by making your body less noticeable. The same could be said about shrinking in size as well--lowering your head and shoulders or burying yourself in a blanket makes you less noticeable.
2. The Flight response--this should sound familiar. If playing dead on a bear doesn't work, you run. However, flight doesn't always have to mean literally running away. Over time, our species has adapted the flight response to create emotional and physical barriers between us and a threat to make our limbic brain feel more comfortable. Imagine yourself having a conversation with someone. During the conversation, you observe the person raise a notebook up to his/her chest--what does that mean? Something you said must have caused discomfort in the person, who in turn created a physical barrier using a notebook to increase distance from you. This is, indeed, a demonstration of flight.
3. The Fight response--your last resort. If you can't hide or run away from your threat, you are left with the option to retaliate through physical or verbal aggression. If you are in a heated argument, screaming insults at the other person is a form of fight, as is making rude gestures. Physical violence is almost always frowned upon, however, so you should refrain from it as much as you can.

Why is knowing any of this important?

Nonverbal behaviors that indicate discomfort can be gauged on the levels of the three F's. A person exhibiting signs of freeze is at a lower level of discomfort than a person exhibiting signs of flight, and so on. I wanted to start with this because discomfort is one of the easiest emotions you can detect through body language, and an accurate reading of it can help you socialize with people more effectively.

Let's say a particular man is an unpracticed liar. Do you know what kind of messages he sends through body language if he answers a question dishonestly? He exhibits signs of stress and discomfort.

Yes--being able to accurately read discomfort can help you become a human lie detector.


Upcoming entries will teach you some basic behaviors you can observe to put these concepts into practice!

Terms to remember:

Limbic brain

Freeze/Flight/Fight (in that order)

Navarro, J. (2008). What Every BODY Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. New York: Harper Collins.

A Little About Me

I am a psychology student. My interest in psychology comes from my fascination with how people act and why—their underlying motivations, thoughts, and feelings. I like to casually observe people and see what they do and how they act. I find comfort in knowing about the people around me, and my natural curiosity drives me to learn as much as I can about as many people as possible.

Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t get to see people in action. They may just be sitting or standing around and not doing much else. This doesn’t help my pursuit of knowledge, does it? This is where my interest in body language comes in. People give away more information in their posture, leg placement, or even idle hand movement than they realize. The way a person stands in an elevator can give you as much, if not more information about the person’s state of mind than asking them. I started looking for subtle hints, or tells, that indicate a change in a person’s state of mind to figure out how exactly that person is feeling.

I’m still fairly new at this and I’m not an expert by any means, but I’m going to try and give you some basic pointers on what kind of behaviors to look out for and how to apply them in context to the situation. To clarify, there is absolutely no “universal tell” for a lie—this is a myth. A body language cue, or nonverbal behavior, merely tells you that the person in question went through a change in his/her state of mind, and it is up to you to put your observation in context and figure out what that cue means.

By reading my blog, I hope you learn a few easy tricks you can use in your daily lives to figure out how people around you are feeling. A lot of my information comes from the book What Every BODY is Saying, by former-FBI Special Agent Joe Navarro. I may also take pictures to illustrate examples if I think a given behavior calls for it.

Terms to Remember:

Tells
Nonverbal behavior vs. body language (for the purpose of this blog, nonverbal behavior is defined as an observable action made by a person, while body language is the broad collection of information you get from observing that person)